The England football manager, Gareth Southgate, has thrown his unwanted opinion into the debate surrounding the breakdown in UK-Russia relations.
Speaking through an interpreter (as he seems to have less of a grasp of the English language than Fabio Capello did), Southgate said: “In my bizarre, crazy mind there is no task that the England football team cannot tackle.
“Climbing Everest: easy. Solving world poverty: piece of cake. Brexit: completed it mate. The lads even try their best with the really tricky stuff, like counting to ten or getting up in the morning. They don’t always succeed, but at least they are grafters.
“The fact is that the Russians are shit scared of us. They know that our squad of schoolchildren are going to annihilate all of the opposition and win the final 25-0.”
We received a statement from the Russian football association responding to the claims, but, before we could read it, we noticed a strange smell, our eyes began stinging and we started to choke to