Sports Direct to Only Sell Umbro After Brexit

11 Feb , 2018  

Sportswear Giant Sports Direct to Only Sell Patriotic Umbro After Brexit

CEO of Sports Direct, Mike Ashley, has announced that following Brexit all non-British brands will cease to be sold in stores. The move comes as an initiative to make the nation more patriotic. No longer will consumers be able to purchase fashionable foreign brands like Adidas and Nike. Instead, they will only be able to choose from Umbro, Lonsdale and Karrimor.

A spokesperson for the store said: “We hope to make people more patriotic. Sure, foreign brands may be more fashionable and of higher quality but they don’t have the same proud pedigree that us Brits have.

“We dream of a world where Umbro and Lonsdale are the height of fashion. Currently they hold the position of cluttering shelves in charity shops but we want to help change that. We’re also collaborating with MPs to see if we can pass a law regarding foreign brands.

“We’re thinking of making it high treason to wear Adidas in public. Do you know they’re German? We’ve had two World Wars with them, how would your grandfather feel about you wearing the shoes of the Reich?”

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Former manager of a Sunday league football team, achieving nearly 2 points in 11 games. Just as good at journalism, never lifted a weight in his life.

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