Entertainment

Single Man Plans Romantic Wank For Valentines Day

11 Feb , 2018  

Lonely Man Without Valentines Lights Candle For Self-Love

A man without a date for Valentines day has decided to add romance to his live during his evening wank. Tony Glump of Chesterfield has decided that lighting a candle as he tugs one out may be enough to stem his sadness for one evening.

Speaking exclusively to Oxenmouth news, Glump said: “Without a significant other I’ve made other arrangements. I’ve been down to Meadowhall and spend ages smelling all the Yankee candles to find the best one. I want the evening to be perfect and sense only the best scents as I’m bashing one out.

“It took me almost 4 hours but I eventually got there. I’ve settled on one called ‘Sweet Nothings’. I have no clue how to describe it to you but it’ll be what I whisper in my ear as I touch myself.”

When asked if he’d rather spend the evening with someone else Glump replied: “Not a chance, it’s a great day to be single. Unlike the other blokes who have to make an effort and book a table at some over-priced restaurant I can go down the pub after my self-abuse and watch the footy! Then, if I’m in the mood when I come back, I can have another passionate session of self-lovemaking. That sounds like a good day to me!”

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Lover of dogs, trees and dad bods; Emma likes to write funny articles in her own time when she's not playing the Kazookeylele or getting white-girl wasted. 🥂



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