New collaborative research stemming from the Universities of Newcastle and Sheffield conclusively reveal cats just don’t give a fuck.
It has been confirmed that cats actually hate their owners and make terrible pets. The study, soon to be published in many scientific journals, also said people who claim to be ‘cat people’ actually just hate themselves.
Professor M. Eow, chief researcher in her field, of the University of Sheffield said: “It has long been assumed that cats are arseholes and we are pleased to finally prove that.
“It was quite easy to prove this in our experiment. You can do it for yourself at home. Just look at your cat and think ‘what has it ever done for me?’ and soon you’ll realise you live with an angry, furry, parasite.
“Sure, dogs are stupid too but at least they contain a smidge of loyalty. Your cat will probably just eat you when you die.”
When asked about other research at the Uni, the Professor said: “We have other work in the pipeline at the University of Sheffield. We’re pioneering into research about how frogs are actually peados. Think about it.”